Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
They took my balls.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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