Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
I don't think boys are aware how difficult it is to take a picture of your own ass.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
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