dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
Randomize
