you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
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