They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
Lo siento on account of my penis...
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