Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
I can get orange kush...
GET IT NOW! WHY IS THERE A DOT DOT DOT?!
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
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