Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
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