Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Randomize
