I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
I got her a Nickelback box set.
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
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