pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
Randomize
