Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
Yea. But u kept saying "as long as she doesn't have aids" so I was concerned
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
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