I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
At Wal-Mart last night I watched two guys scramble for $4.34 to pay for a pack of ping pong balls and red solo cups. They had to put the .34 on a credit card. Winter break begins!
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Randomize
