So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
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