Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize