John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
Randomize
