Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
