don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
The new google images is a smorgasbord of porn now are plans for tonight are off.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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