why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
Randomize
