Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
You are not answering and I think it is because you spent 80 dollars worth of drinks on you hot cousin.
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
