im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
Wake your ass up this is a day of horror where we get horroibly drunk and sleep with tandom dudes who wish they were super heros ps i havr stuffed animals over my privates im a petting zoo this year
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
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