I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
Just curious... Do you still have the cocks bracelet? You know, the one we pass around to whoevers been the biggest slut recently?
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Randomize
