so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
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