Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
I love wearing low cut shirts cuz then when class gets boring, I can look down and admire my breasts.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
Randomize
