there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
Randomize
