oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
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