I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
Randomize
