it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
Randomize
