My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
Randomize
