it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
