Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
