The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
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