OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
Randomize
