I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
Randomize
