PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
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