I heard we made out
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
how bad is she
captain morgan with tits
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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