Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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