i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
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