Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
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