My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
Randomize
