He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
Tackling and headbutting friends, running away and hiding from everyone, attempting to streak across campus, and then waking up with no sign of a hangover... happy 21 to me
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
Randomize
