shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
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