god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
Randomize
