just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
Randomize
