he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
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