I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Randomize