You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
i wish my penis had a tongue
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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