my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
Why is there bacon in the couch?
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
Randomize
