I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
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