Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
Randomize