Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
I murdered the dance floor call the cops
I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
Randomize
