Umm I'm too high to move.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
Randomize
