I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
Randomize
