I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize