the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
it was like his penis was on wheels.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Ewe he just snapped me a pic of his butt crack.. Should I be concerned?
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
