hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
I cant help but queef when the male extremity enters
What is a male extremity?
i didnt realize it was that long since you've had sex
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
It's all a blur. I just remember holding some strangers baby
Yah. Thai people are way too trusting
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
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