God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
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