The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
oh i see... well this is a positive first step in you courting him for sex.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
Randomize
