Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
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