I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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