dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
