I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
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