I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize
